


Let Everything Fall

by curiouswildflower



Series: Trips, Trials, and Triumphs [1]
Category: Do No Harm (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Mention of Panic Attacks, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, the barest mention of Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 18:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiouswildflower/pseuds/curiouswildflower
Summary: "A few months ago, Vanessa joked that his brain sees everything as good, bad, or ugly, and Usnavi was so pleased to have a way to sort Ruben’s triggers that he made an honest-to-God chart for their fridge."





	Let Everything Fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thisstableground](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstableground/gifts).



> @thisstableground prompted something along the lines of Ruben being able to tolerate something he wasn't usually able to tolerate. Ruben x Healing, my favorite ship <3
> 
> Title from a Karen Fiser quote, "Do you remember the summer of the rain... you must let everything fall that wants to fall."
> 
> Warnings for non-graphic discussions of: past sexual assault, panic attacks, and self harm. I'll go into more detail in end notes if you want more warning.

Most everyday sensations in Ruben’s life could be categorized by how much panic they induced. A few months ago, Vanessa joked that his brain sees everything as _good, bad,_ or _ugly_ , and Usnavi was so pleased to have a way to sort Ruben’s triggers that he made an honest-to-God chart for their fridge. Ruben’s therapist seemed happy with the chart too, and they set out on a journey to make the _bad_ sensations tolerable and the _ugly_ sensations survivable. 

An early morning in May Ruben wakes up to Usnavi smacking kisses all over his face. ( _Good: waking up to affection, like kisses. Bad: waking up alone. Ugly: the one time Vanessa tried to wake him up with a hand job_ ) Ruben groans, rolling over and shoving his pillow over his head. Usnavi laughs at him and genuinely jumps out of bed. Ruben groans again as Usnavi shouts cheerily in Spanish “ _Wake up, wake up!_ ” and heads out of the room.

“Heaven forbid you sleep in on the one day you have off this month.” Ruben grumbles to himself as he stretches. Sleepy though he is, Ruben can’t help smiling as he hears Usnavi turn on the radio in the kitchen. 

The radio serves a dual purpose as it helps drown out the sound of the rain on the roof of the apartment. It’s really only drizzling, but the chart still reads _Good: wind. Bad: rain. Ugly: storms._ That’s one of the sets of sensations Ruben hasn’t had the courage to explain to Usnavi and Vanessa, even though it’s the set with the most straight forward origin. 

Ruben finds Usnavi making scrambled eggs and gets a couple peppers out of the fridge. Ruben can feel Usnavi’s eyes on his hands as he takes out a knife, but it’s been months since Ruben explained that _the scars on my arms are from Ian, not me_ so he chops methodically and lets Usnavi work out his protective anxiety on his own. Once the peppers are done he scoops them into Usnavi’s eggs and kisses his temple before going to wash off the knife.

They settle down at the table, a ballad in Spanish crooning softly behind them from the radio. 

“Hey _Lindo_ ,” Usnavi says after a few quiet moments. “I have a surprise for you today.”

( _Good: pet names in Spanish. Bad: pet names in English. Ugly: derivatives of “Ruben”_ )

“On your day off?” Ruben can’t help but ask. “A surprise for me?”

Usnavi’s eyes turn sad for just a moment before he starts nodding quickly. “Just the two of us. You shower first – I’m going to check the train schedules.”

Ruben cleans the breakfast plates before following his instructions, showering quickly and dressing back in his pajamas. It’s been less than a year since he was unwilling to be fully naked all at once, but showering is still a feat of bravery.

He decides to shave, and runs a comb through his now shoulder-length hair. After a few too many body modifications he didn’t choose, he came to like playing with pieces of his appearance that he can choose. He’s contemplated tattoos to cover some of his scars. For now he’s happy with shaving regularly and letting his hair grow out. 

( _Good: petting his hair. Bad: running fingers through his hair. Ugly: pulling his hair._ )

Ruben settles into the armchair in their bedroom as Usnavi takes his shower. The song playing reminds him of his mom and he zones out for a minute before Usnavi drops clothes onto his lap.

“Wear your sneakers.” He says, smiling down at Ruben. Ruben looks through the pile: underwear, one of Usnavi’s tank tops, a faded sweatshirt he usually sees on Vanessa, and the pants he runs in.

“We’re going to work out?”

Usnavi smiles and hums “Something like that.”

By the time they leave the apartment it’s barely 6:30 and Usnavi has a bag on his back packed with food, books, sunscreen, and a rainbow umbrella. The rain seems to be coming and going, and the sun rises colorful through a cloudy sky. The kindness of the morning feels a little surreal, and Ruben reaches out to take Usnavi’s hand. Usnavi starts, glancing down at their hands before searching Ruben’s face. Ruben blushes and Usnavi beams, swinging their hands between them as they walk to the train station.

When their train comes – the same south-bound line that leads to Ruben’s college, but he guesses they’re not going there – Usnavi tugs Ruben to a seat in the far back of the car. Ruben leans against the wall and watches Usnavi set the backpack between his feet and dig into it. Ruben’s brows knit in confusion as Usnavi pulls out the first Harry Potter book.

“Navi, why…?” Ruben’s heart starts to race and the train starts to move and it starts to hit him this is too much _too much_ his favorite breakfast, a surprise trip, _his favorite book_ –

Usnavi grabs Ruben’s hand and tugs on it. “Ruben. Stay in the train with me.” His voice is sharp.

Ruben grips his hand and tries to take a deep breath. “It’s too much, it’s too much. I haven’t – this is too generous – Usnavi I can’t-“

Usnavi tugs on his hand again, harder this time. “Ruben. Stop.”

Ruben shakes his head, scrubbing over his eyes with his free hand. His fingers are buzzing, he needs to work, to help, there’s no way, he didn’t earn this. He hears Usnavi curse under his breath and feels him stand, lean against the car so his body is right in front of Ruben’s. His grip is tight on his hand.

“We can go home.” Usnavi says quietly, sternly. “Ruben. We can go home if you need to. I want to go on this trip and I want to take you. But if you need to we can change trains at the next stop.”

Ruben finally takes in a full breath.

“We’re going to Clay Pit Ponds State Park. Every couple months my parents would take the same day off from the store and they would take me. It was the closest we could go to really be away from the city. I packed us a lunch, because the train there is two hours and I want to really enjoy our day before we have to come back.”

He sighs. “I’m sad Vanessa is out of the city, but honestly Ruben, she’s having fun with Nina and I wanted to share this with you. And if it’s too much, we can go back home.”

Ruben rubs his thumb across the back of Usnavi’s hand. He takes a moment in the quiet rumbling of the train car, tries not to think about how many people could be watching him.

“It’s raining.” He whispers.

“Not all day. And the park is quieter when it’s a little rainy out. I thought you’d like it more if it was quiet. But if the rain is too much, if the trip is too much, we can go back home.”

Ruben lets the facts wash over him. Usnavi has something special, and he wants to share it with Ruben. He brought Ruben’s favorite book, but it’s a favorite of Usnavi’s too. He planned the way he wanted to spend his free day, and he picked Ruben to share it with. He doesn’t need Ruben to do anything in return. It seems… unlikely. But Ruben can figure out paying him back later.

“Okay. We can go to the park. Thank you for preparing so thoroughly. Thank you for sharing this with me.”

Usnavi tips his face forward and presses a quick kiss to Ruben’s mouth. “ _Te amo, Ruben._ ”

It’s still a little new, this love he has with them. “ _Te amo._ ”

They settle into their seats, and over the course of the next two hours and the next two trains they read several chapters of Harry Potter out loud to each other. It’s mid-morning by the time they reach the park, and Ruben is stunned at how vast and green and _alive_ it all is. He takes a deep breath and follows Usnavi down a winding path as he chatters away in Spanish about the trees and the animals. 

They spend their morning doing much of the same. Usnavi, as usual, has endless stories and questions about the park around them. Ruben shares a few things too, trips to state parks with his mom and sisters or facts about how some of the biology around them works.

“I thought you taught chemistry?” Usnavi teases after a particularly detailed lesson about the lifecycles of frogs.

Ruben shoves his shoulder. “Close enough.”

As they near the wetland lake they find a picnic table surrounded by bright blue flowers. Ruben is delighted by the vibrancy and they eat lunch sitting side-by-side on top of the table. Ruben cherishes the quiet, breathing in the rich, clean smell of the damp trees and grass.

“You were right. It’s almost deserted here.”

Usnavi takes a drink of water, capping the bottle and putting it back in his bag. “Yeah. Rain keeps people inside.”

They go quiet again, and Ruben thinks of the chart on their fridge. _Good: wind. Bad: rain. Ugly: storms._ He wonders if Usnavi is thinking of it too.

“In Jamaica.” Ruben starts quietly. He feels Usnavi try not to tense up beside him and he purposely keeps his head straight, looking out at the wetlands. “In Jamaica, it was so… stale. There was no wind. I could smell his sweat as Ian- as he um. Worked.”

Usnavi presses his leg against Ruben’s. Ruben appreciates the gesture – a grounding touch. But the cool damp around them is far different from the oppressive humidity of his memories.

“And rain isn’t really the problem. It’s just that rain is so close to storms and-“ Ruben takes out and reties his ponytail. He can feel Usnavi watching him and resolutely does not return his gaze.

“You don’t have to-“

“I know, Usnavi.”

“If you’re sharing to, I don’t know, pay me back or something-“

“No.” The forest buzzes around them. “No. I’m not doing this to pay you back. I need to say this out loud.”

Usnavi nods, and he leans over so his head is tucked onto Ruben’s shoulder.

“It was storming the night Ian raped me.” Ruben whispers. He takes a deep breath, says it again. “It was storming the night Ian raped me.”

Ruben reaches out and twines his fingers with Usnavi’s. After a moment Usnavi asks, “In Jamaica?”

“No. Before. In Philly.”

Usnavi squeezes his hand. “It’s not your fault, _querido._ I’m sorry he did that to you. _Te amo._ ”

Ruben feels tears behind his eyes and tries to blink them away. He nods against Usnavi’s head, then repeats the motion to keep rubbing his cheek against Usnavi’s hair. “ _Gracias. Te amo tambien._ ”

After a while they pack up their trash and continue walking around the park. Ruben’s heart and nerves feel rubbed raw with his admission, and the afternoon is filled with significantly less chatter. 

But the silence isn’t sad. They stay close to each other, and keep giving each other little touches, brushing of fingers or squeezes on arms. They breathe – breathe in each other and the forest and the rain. They keep stumbling on patches of bright blue flowers, and eventually Ruben crouches down to breathe them in too. He pretends not to notice Usnavi taking his picture from back on the path and wonders what his face looks like.

The train ride back to the heights is filled with the same quiet, and they read more Harry Potter to each other. By the time they get back to their apartment it’s just past dinner.

Ruben goes to the table to finish grading his students’ lab reports and Usnavi puts something in a pan on the stove. Several minutes pass before a crack of thunder sounds overhead and they both jump, looking at each other. Ruben’s pen falls out of his hand and his heart still hurts from earlier and before Ruben can think Usnavi has turned off the burner and moved the pan to the other side of the stove. He rushes over to Ruben and says his name loudly.

“I’m okay.” Ruben says just as loud. “I’m, I think I’m-“

As he says it he can feel his sore heart start to race _again_ , and his hands fill with static. Usnavi grabs his hands, pulling him over to the bathroom. To Ruben’s surprise, he has the very clear thought _that’s a good idea, it’s the only room with no windows._ Usnavi shuts the door behind them. Ruben’s muscle memory takes over, and he turns on the cold water in the sink but stops before he splashes any on his face.

“Ruben.” Usnavi is still talking loudly, and Ruben can tell he’s anxious. “Ruben, stay in the apartment with me.”

“I am.” Ruben says quietly, staring at the running water. His head hurts as it pounds with his heartbeat, but he isn’t in Philadelphia. He knows where he is.

“I’m here.” he says it again. “I don’t- I don’t feel good. But I’m here.”

Usnavi breathes out heavily, sitting down on the closed toilet.

“He took me to this club. We had. The night was crazy. I almost slept with this girl, then Ian and I jumped out a window, and he-“

“You don’t have to-“

“Usnavi, please. It’s storming but I’m here. And I already said – at the park. Let me get the rest of it out.”

Usnavi nods, Ruben keeps looking at the running water.

“He took me out to get burgers at this really shitty diner. It started to storm while we were there, I wasn’t even thinking about it. As we left he-“ Ruben’s heart and head _thump, thump_ painfully, he feels raw with the day’s admissions. He bends over and folds his arms, resting his forehead on his wrists. _When your memories hurt you,_ he can hear his therapist’s voice in his head. _it can help to let someone else hold them._ He takes a deep breath. He can smell Usnavi’s cologne.

“He teased me for not getting with that girl. And he insisted I pay him back for ‘showing me such a good time’.” 

“ _Dios mio._ ”

“I don’t even remember most of it. I was buzzing with this drug – a drug I made. I don’t even remember most of it, but it was storming. I was soaked when I got home, and the next time it stormed I spent all night having panic attacks.”

“Good: wind. Bad: rain. Ugly: storms.” Usnavi recites quietly.

“Yeah.”

“You still with me?” 

“Yes. I don’t know how, but. Yes.”

It takes a while, like at the park, but eventually they turn off the sink and move back into the kitchen. They throw away the food Usnavi was sautéing and eat peanut butter sandwiches standing at the counter hip-to-hip. Ruben keeps flexing his hands, trying to work feeling back into his static-y fingers. He counts the seconds between the lightning and thunder and can tell the storm is passing.

“Let’s go to bed, _lindo._ ” Usnavi says quietly. Ruben nods. Usnavi turns away and Ruben catches his arm, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Usnavi reaches up to cradle Ruben’s face and returns the series of gentle kisses, mouths barely open and bodies pressed close enough together that their knees bump against one another’s.

After brushing their teeth and changing into pajamas they curl up together under the covers. The rain patters against the window and they share more kisses, bodies pressed just as tight as at the counter. As he drifts off Ruben realizes that even through three near misses, he didn’t have a panic attack today.

_Good: Usnavi._

_Good: Healing._

_Good: Ruben._

**Author's Note:**

> Past Sexual Assault: Ruben tells the story of the night Ian raped him, but doesn't go into any detail about the assault.  
> Panic Attacks: Ruben experiences panic, but does not have any actual attacks in the fic.  
> Self-Harm: Usnavi is worried about Ruben using a knife, but they both know Ruben's scars aren't self-inflicted.
> 
> -  
> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
